Who am I? I am many things. I am a Child of God, a sinner. I am saved by grace. I am a Yogi and love to spend time on my mat. I am a dancer; I express myself through body movement when there are no words. I am a wife. I love and adore my husband; I wake up each morning happy to be his helper. I pursue an active and healthy lifestyle. While I had an unhealthy lifestyle for many years, I am on the path to wellness. I am trying to improve my wellness across many dimensions: spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional. I am a tiny woman with a big personality; my laugh can be heard through walls and from a distance. I am a lover. I want to help others, show them Christ’s love and give love. So many people don’t receive love or even a warm smile, so why not be the one who could possibly brighten their day? I am a friend to others. I am peaceful, violence is never the answer. I am interested in science, specifically kinesiology, mental health, art, and poetry. I am a teacher. I love to share my knowledge of fitness, Pilates, wellness, and dance with others. When I can be a positive influence on someone’s lifestyle or perspective, it is the most rewarding gift. I am woman, a feminist. Reaching out to my fellow women to build them up and stand up for our gender.
I am also in recovery. I am battling anxiety, dysrhythmia, exercise addiction, and an eating disorder every day. I didn’t choose the ebb and flow, the never-ending cycle of these diseases, but I did choose recovery. I am choosing to not let my diseases define me. For years I defined myself by my disease(s) and faults. I only saw my negatives, the purges, the starving, and the depression.
One day I came to the conclusion that: I am not my anxiety. I am not my exercise addiction. I am not my eating disorder. I am everything in the first paragraph. While it is not easy to write or accept the first paragraph; it is necessary that I remind myself of my good qualities. I swim in a sea of negative thoughts, but the positive thoughts are the little life rafts I need. I need them to carry me back to the shores of life so I can live a sane life (as the 12 Steps call it). In that sane life I can be me.
“I am a lake, my poem is an empty boat,
and my life is the breeze that blows
through the whole scene
stirring everything I touches—
the surface of the water, the limp sail,
even the heavy, leafy trees along the shore. “My Life”, Billy Collins