Month: August 2014

That’s My Jam!

We all have songs that take us to a special place. Whether it is to a specific place in time, a person who we share the song with, or just a song that pumps us up. Music is a very special energy form. I call it an energy form because it is created and all the energy that is put into it transfers to the listeners (same thing goes for any creative art).  Music, regardless of what genre, is always there for us and can transform our mood. 

This is just a brief list of my “jams”. Each of these songs are chosen for a specific reason. They either make me dance, I grew up with them, or they mention my hometown…”HE’S A HEADED WEST FROM THE CUMBERLAND GAP TO JOHNSON CITY, TN!!!!!”, or they are my drinking songs/hangin’ out with my bestie songs, or they are my husband and mine’s car karaoke songs. I hope you enjoy these, maybe even hear some new songs if you haven’t heard of them.

What are your jams? Please list in the comments. 

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*”Uptown Girl”, Billy Joel

*”Love Never Felt So Good”, Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake

*”Dancing in the Dark”, Bruce Springsteen

*”Livin’ on a Prayer”, Bon Jovi

*”Santeria”, 3rd Eye Blind

*”Amber”, 311

*”Something”, The Beatles/George Harrison

*”For the Longest Time”, Billy Joel

*”Rock with You”, Michael Jackson

*”Mirrors”, Justin Timberlake

*”Soulshine”,Gov’t Mule

*”Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough”. Michael Jackson

*”Hook”, Blues Traveler

*”Blackbird”, The Beatles

*”Friends in Low Places” , Garth Brooks

*”Wagon Wheel” by Old Crow Medicine Show

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this is your brain on mental illness

I have been on WordPress for a year! Wow how time flies. I hope the people who have stumbled across my blog, and those who have not yet stumbled upon me, have been/will be blessed and enjoy themselves. I do this blog for those out there who needs someone to relate to on the ED front, for those who need inspiration, and just plain encouragement. Thank you to my followers, the commentators, and the readers.

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There has been a lot of talk this past week about mental illness, depression, and how one thinks with a mental illness. This has inspired me to share with the world what ones brain goes through. With a mental illness of any kind (addiction, depression, Bi-Polar, ED’s, anxiety, etc…) you cannot think clearly. Your mind is clouded with misinformation that your illness feeds you. The clouds suck the life out of you. The clouds are the bucket that carry you deeper and deeper into your dark well of life. The clouds are free radicals tearing your insides out. Due to this, that is why people: contemplate suicide, turn to drugs, turn to the bottle, eat themselves to death, starve themselves to death etc…We do not have the capability to think clearly. This is why some people turn to suicide. Those who think about it think it is the only way to go. The way that they can cause less harm and damage to their families. Even themselves. Yes, it does not make sense, but that is what a mental illness does. It takes things that do not make sense and twists them around to make sense. That is what people do not understand.

To show you what I mean, I am going to share with you my thoughts. My own personal thoughts that I have every day…Some of these I use to have more regularly, but I am proud to say that over time and hard recovery work I can manage them a bit more…My thoughts do not make sense, but the part of my brain that helps make rational decisions is over-ridden…

Here we go:

*The moment I eat something sweet, a treat, or a dessert, my thighs automatically get dimples or become “cottage cheese thighs”.

*”I’m Fat” becomes my saying, almost mantra, for when I am distressed. Even though fat is not a feeling.

*When I am constipated due to my IBS, I swear that I look fat/or my belly sticks out/that you can tell I am bloated

*When I am anxious I begin to fly off the handle and the only thing that comforts me is to play the scenario over and over and over and over again. DWELL! Dwelling makes everything better.

*The All or Nothing Principal, is not just about exercise: I either eat the whole tray of sweets or pizza OR eat nothing at all.

*I always think people are judging me, and talking about me. Whether it be how fat I am or how skinny I am.

*I always wonder if people are judging my actions, whether it be in the business world or everyday life.

*I can wake up feeling great about myself then something will go wrong and BAM! I hate myself, have an anxiety attack, or feel fat.

*If I fail at something or lose and the person is bigger than me I think, “At least I am skinnier and prettier than her” if the person if smaller than me I think, “I need to lose weight”.

*Food goes like this…..Good Food=Good Leslie, Bad Food=Good Leslie if I am conquering a food fear, Bad Food=Bad Leslie, All Food=Bad Leslie

*I hate math and suck at it, but numbers can make me happy

*One does not simply eat one brownie a day when making a pan of brownies…One must eat it all in one sitting and then judge themselves and do body weight squats for the rest of the night

*I constantly ask my husband if I look fat. Probably around 10 times a day on a “bad” day. Less than that on a “good” day.

*I don’t do this as often, but every morning I would wake up and check my ab definition and use that to monitor my fattness

*If I do everything my ED Melvin says I will be happy, perfect, and the longing for attention and love I want will be fulfilled

*On the anxiety front….if my body feels the weirdest bit off I ask my husband if I am ok. Or am I going to be ok. He hears that just as much as “Am I fat?”

*I am completely irrational when I am having a panic attack. Everything goes to shit and everything flies out the window. You never know what I am going say or do.

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Now this is not a complete list of my thoughts but the most common. It doesn’t represent other forms of mental illness, but it shows that we all have cloudy thoughts. This is how people can make poor decisions. For some more information and education check out the following…

NAMI, the best place to learn more about mental health/illness

Stress, the brain, and mental illness

Robin Williams’ death: a reminder that suicide and depression are not selfish

 

 

Always remember, a smile and kind word can go a long way.

 

And just because I love Bob Ross…

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“Finding the Divine Within (Latex Gloves Not Necessary)” excerpt from “Happy Yoga”

This is a little lengthy, but definitely worth the read. The following passage is from Steve Ross’ book, Happy Yoga, that I have quoted/written from in previous entries. Of all that I have read from this book, this is without a doubt one of my favorite passages. Enjoy!

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There’s nowhere to go for the truth, there’s no one to pay, there’s nothing to do. You can only undo all that is not true. And then you discover that truth was with you all along, concealed by everything false. Then which is everlasting is just underneath everything that’s temporary. And that which is divine is hiding behind everything that is mundane. Ever play hide-and-seek? In the same way, life is like a game, or play (leela). You must endeavor to find the truth and the divine in everything.

God concealed and God revealed are ways that yogis often describe the play of consciousness in the world. Everything is God everywhere all the time. But some things seem more obviously God than others. When you watch a beautiful sunset, that’s obviously God. It would be considered God revealed. It’s a little more of a challenge to see that a war zone with bullets flying and people screaming and dying is God, too. That would be considered God concealed. Compassion, love, or any genuine celebration of life is an example of God revealed. So even though it’s all God, the yogis acknowledge that in duality, some things seem more like God than others. There are elements of the world that appear to be more of an expression of the perfection of God, of love and bliss, than others.

While an enlightened master sees that everything is God, given a option of the experience of God concealed or God revealed, there’s usually a preference twoard God revealed-love, compassion, freedom, bliss, truth-you get the picture.

God revealed is a little taste of the infinite, but so is God concealed; it just requires an able eye to see it. Yogis say that there’s a big picture-and it’s huge. An individual can only see a tiny piece of a this big picture. So you might look at your tiny piece and think, “What the hell is this? This doesn’t look like anything! This looks like non-sense, fear, pain!” But when you see it in the context of the huge, enormous, gigantic, big picture, it all makes sense. Aha! Through love, compassion, surrender, allowing, forgiveness, joy, and other aspects of God revealed, you get a tiny glimpse of the big picture. But if you’re stuck in a world where God is concealed through resistance, anger, hatred, violence, loathing, and so on, you’re stuck with those little tidbits of the big picture that don’t look like much.

What about experiences that seem like God revealed at first but later reveal themselves as God concealed? The drug heroin, for example, induces deep peace for some people-at first. Then it slowly ruins your entire life by destroying your body, depleting your finances, and, of course, requiring larger and larger doses to make you feel normal. Any recovering user will tell you the same story. This is true of many elements in the world. The yogis say these aspects of worldly life are like poison honey. The first symptom might be sweet, but the end is bitter.

Spiritual life is like a medicinal herb: bitter in the beginning, sweet in the end. Becoming conscious can initially be challenging. But once you get rolling, your life becomes peaceful, blissful, and much sweeter for your efforts.

How can a yogi experience God revealed all the time? God is what you are. The more you can let go of excessive thinking, the more you’ll experience it. To reveal the God energy that you are, accept each moment. Acknowledge each moment as sacred. Don’t resist what it is. Look past the appearance through to the God just underneath.

Many yoga students are able to attain beautiful states of peace in yoga class, especially at the deeply relaxing end in shavasana. They experience God revealed when they feel happy and light, bliss pulsing through their bodies. But the moment they walk through the door and back into the real world, they get sucked back into the outward chaos of their lives and the inward chaos of their minds (God concealed). Pick up the kids from school, is the husband happy? Massage at six, make sure the business is running smoothly, do I have enough money? I want to be single, I want to be in a relationship, are my kids smart enough? My mother’s in the hospital, and on and on and on and on. This kind of activity could continue for the rest of your life, accelerating and picking up momentum like an avalanche. It can drive you insane or it can provoke inner surrender.

What’s going to happen is going to happen. You can do what you can about it, but compulsive thought will only make it worse. Why not let go? If it succeeds in blissing you out at the end of yoga class, why not try it in your life? Do what you can and release the rest.

Your life is perfect as it is. Every aspect is exactly as it should be, pointing you precisely in the direction you’re meant to go. Whether you are able to see it or not depends on how resistant you are to what is. Whether you can see it as God revealed or God concealed is a result of your point of view. What might seem like problems may actually be invitations for change. To reside as love, joy, compassion, stillness, and grace is to reside as the divine within and without. And this is true yoga.