I have been on WordPress for a year! Wow how time flies. I hope the people who have stumbled across my blog, and those who have not yet stumbled upon me, have been/will be blessed and enjoy themselves. I do this blog for those out there who needs someone to relate to on the ED front, for those who need inspiration, and just plain encouragement. Thank you to my followers, the commentators, and the readers.
There has been a lot of talk this past week about mental illness, depression, and how one thinks with a mental illness. This has inspired me to share with the world what ones brain goes through. With a mental illness of any kind (addiction, depression, Bi-Polar, ED’s, anxiety, etc…) you cannot think clearly. Your mind is clouded with misinformation that your illness feeds you. The clouds suck the life out of you. The clouds are the bucket that carry you deeper and deeper into your dark well of life. The clouds are free radicals tearing your insides out. Due to this, that is why people: contemplate suicide, turn to drugs, turn to the bottle, eat themselves to death, starve themselves to death etc…We do not have the capability to think clearly. This is why some people turn to suicide. Those who think about it think it is the only way to go. The way that they can cause less harm and damage to their families. Even themselves. Yes, it does not make sense, but that is what a mental illness does. It takes things that do not make sense and twists them around to make sense. That is what people do not understand.
To show you what I mean, I am going to share with you my thoughts. My own personal thoughts that I have every day…Some of these I use to have more regularly, but I am proud to say that over time and hard recovery work I can manage them a bit more…My thoughts do not make sense, but the part of my brain that helps make rational decisions is over-ridden…
Here we go:
*The moment I eat something sweet, a treat, or a dessert, my thighs automatically get dimples or become “cottage cheese thighs”.
*”I’m Fat” becomes my saying, almost mantra, for when I am distressed. Even though fat is not a feeling.
*When I am constipated due to my IBS, I swear that I look fat/or my belly sticks out/that you can tell I am bloated
*When I am anxious I begin to fly off the handle and the only thing that comforts me is to play the scenario over and over and over and over again. DWELL! Dwelling makes everything better.
*The All or Nothing Principal, is not just about exercise: I either eat the whole tray of sweets or pizza OR eat nothing at all.
*I always think people are judging me, and talking about me. Whether it be how fat I am or how skinny I am.
*I always wonder if people are judging my actions, whether it be in the business world or everyday life.
*I can wake up feeling great about myself then something will go wrong and BAM! I hate myself, have an anxiety attack, or feel fat.
*If I fail at something or lose and the person is bigger than me I think, “At least I am skinnier and prettier than her” if the person if smaller than me I think, “I need to lose weight”.
*Food goes like this…..Good Food=Good Leslie, Bad Food=Good Leslie if I am conquering a food fear, Bad Food=Bad Leslie, All Food=Bad Leslie
*I hate math and suck at it, but numbers can make me happy
*One does not simply eat one brownie a day when making a pan of brownies…One must eat it all in one sitting and then judge themselves and do body weight squats for the rest of the night
*I constantly ask my husband if I look fat. Probably around 10 times a day on a “bad” day. Less than that on a “good” day.
*I don’t do this as often, but every morning I would wake up and check my ab definition and use that to monitor my fattness
*If I do everything my ED Melvin says I will be happy, perfect, and the longing for attention and love I want will be fulfilled
*On the anxiety front….if my body feels the weirdest bit off I ask my husband if I am ok. Or am I going to be ok. He hears that just as much as “Am I fat?”
*I am completely irrational when I am having a panic attack. Everything goes to shit and everything flies out the window. You never know what I am going say or do.
Now this is not a complete list of my thoughts but the most common. It doesn’t represent other forms of mental illness, but it shows that we all have cloudy thoughts. This is how people can make poor decisions. For some more information and education check out the following…
Always remember, a smile and kind word can go a long way.
And just because I love Bob Ross…