Month: April 2015

Ch-Ch-Changes Pt.2: Boobs

Short and sweet…..follow up to last weeks entry….until next week, Sat Nam and Namaste.

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Boobs are weird. Well as least I think so. Maybe it is just mine. Anyways we are going to talk about most guys’ favorite topic: boobs. Sometimes called breasticles, tat ta’s, lumps, pillows, or any other name for them. Well the male species likes boobs; most females who have suffered from ED’s hate them. It isn’t because they hurt during exercise; it is because they are a sign of womanhood. A sign of maturity. A sign of change.

Usually boobs are the first things that begin to change as one goes through recovery. As weight is gained or evened out they will start to take shape. Maybe they are round or maybe they are pointed. Regardless, they appear. In recovery we are learning to accept bodily changes but when a body part you have refused to let grow and mature starts to grow it is mentally devastating. Your boyfriend may like the new boobs but you hate them. They are a reminder that you are no longer who you were. It is also a struggle for control. As humans we hate change by nature. Take that and add an ED to it you get insanity. There are fights with your recovery plan. It is a battle on the home front. You are battling for your life while your ED is battling for you to come back to the dark side.

Eventually you get use to your new boobs. You can wear cute bras (if you like regular bras). Certain shirts and dresses actually look better on you. You may even enjoy how your other half looks at you now. But most of all, you enjoy how you are overcoming your disorder one body change at a time.

Ch-Ch-Changes: Pt.1

I am baaaacccckkkk! Since Yoga Teacher Training finished I took some time off from yoga and blogging because I had a lot to process. Not just mentally, but physically too. 9 months of training finally ended and I was tired yet refreshed. So much started to fill my head after I got my certificate that I couldn’t sit down and write a weekly blog entry. I couldn’t practice yoga physically because my body was tired. I had to practice mindfulness, appreciation, gratitude…..all of this lead me to the idea of doing a few series sets for my blog. I had a slight set back with my ED not too long ago and I became fixated on a body part—my usual. Then the lightbulb went off! Here was my first series set for imageoftheheart. I wanted to write about how a survivor feels when their body begins to change during recovery. How horrifying, how liberating, how it can lead to relapse.

With all of that said, here ya go!

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The thing about those of us with eating disorders is that we are very vain. We are also very controlling. We are controlling about a wide variety of aspects in our lives but we are mostly control our looks. Each and every one of us has a different fixation on a specific body part and we do certain rituals to ensure that it stays to our specific (mainly our ED) look. Some of us like the thigh gap, some like rib protrusion or scapular protrusion, some are about the belly, some are about the clavicle, or even the chest. Sometimes it is more than one. I had multiple body parts I would obsess with: the belly, clavicle, and my top quad, how muscular I was. Like most things about an eating disorder it is ritualistic and tiring.

Every day I had my routine of body checking. Upon waking I would check my belly in the mirror from all sides to make sure I had not gained a belly (still do occasionally unfortunately) and put my hands around my waist to make sure I could still have a curvature and it “feel right”. I would then step on the scale (which I had to sneak around to get to because it was in my parents closest) and check my weight to see if it was within the appropriate range. Throughout the day I would check my clavicle-I was proud to have “clavicular cleavage”. And then I would check out my legs to see my definition and to make sure that above all else, I had no cellulite. Let me just say short season would be ultra tiring.

Anytime I passed a mirror or a reflective surface I had to take a look. I would check out my legs, my butt, and my side profile. I also had to check my hair and makeup. Melvin’s #1 rule: always look presentable. And if one thing would have changed (and usually it would because I had eaten something and Melvin made me see a dimple on my thigh, or my clavicle instantly went away) it was time to restrict, lift, or run many miles. Better yet all three! All of this to make sure I looked presentable, I was skinny, I was fit, to be well liked, and please those around me. The list could go on and on.

The moment recovery happens, your body begins to change and sometimes the body parts you constantly check are the ones that change. When the change happens a part of you feels great but mostly it feels horrible…..and this is what I am going to write about.