Ms. Magenta

So each month I have a newsletter and I write an intention. My intentions are similar to a meditation, just a little nugget of wisdom and something to think about for the month. It is such a joy and pleasure to write these intentions. While I hope people are inspired by them, it is not the reason I write them. I write them from my own experience and from the heart. I feel as if I need to write and share a part of me with them, it is like a way I blog when I am not blogging. My blog is the same way. I don’t do this for the praise and comments (though it is nice), I do it because it is a way for me to heal and show others that a new life is possible. I like to view intention/meditation writing and blogging as another aspect of my yoga practice (asana/posture is only one of 8 limbs). I wrote this for my October  newsletter and it is a favorite of mine. Why? Because it involves a quote from The Golden Girls and I have always wanted to write something based on the quote. So here we go…thank you Blanche Deveroux.

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Do you ever have days that you are so overwhelmed that it is a miracle that you were able to just take a shower or even eat? How about days that are so chaotic that all you can do is breathe and not know what to do? What about days where you aren’t sad/blue, or angry/red, or scared…you don’t know how you feel. You just have something over you. Maybe it is a cloud. Maybe it is something else. Who knows? Blanche Devereaux does, she calls it Magenta. In one episode she says, “Magenta, that’s what I call it when I get that way – all kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves. Well, you know you are not quite blue, because you’re not really sad. And although you are a little bit jealous, you wouldn’t say you are green with envy. Every now and then you realize you are kinda scared, but you’d hardly call yourself yellow. I hate that feeling. I just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That’s why I named it that.”

I have lots of magenta days (but I happen to love the color magenta actually). There are days where just getting out of bed and eating is great. Then there are days where I am having a great day but something lingers, I can’t get fully happy. Hello, there Ms. Magenta. When Ms. Magenta appears in my life, I know I have two options: 1) Let Ms. Magenta in for tea and cakes, have a party or 2) Acknowledge her, and keep pushing on with a positive attitude. These two choices can have the following results 1) Ms. Magenta takes over, and suddenly I am blue and black or 2) She eventually goes away and I can see all that today has to offer.

Our yoga practice can help us keep Ms. Magenta away or politely tell her we are not home/busy/not taking appointments. How? by continually practicing two elements of yoga:  santosa (contentment) and svadhyaya (self study). By practicing contentment, we are always telling ourselves that what we have is enough. We are enough. Our life is enough. Everything we have is enough and that there is joy and peace within that. When we practice self study, we go within. I like to compare it to taking inventory. We are always in touch with our faults and how to make them better. We continually learn more about ourselves and the world around us. When we are more content with our life and learn about others, or things that will make us better, our days are brighter. Maybe even white. Seeing life as a gift. Joy, peace and love gives us a rainbow of colors that can give us hope. It may give someone else hope who sees you from afar.
So can you tell Ms. Magenta that you aren’t taking appointments this month?

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My other favorite quote…Us Southern Belles do know a thing or two about battin’ eyelashes and making men drool.

In Response to: Teaching With An Eating Disorder

The other day I read this great article about a dance teacher Hannah Maria Hayes and her experience teaching while being under the influence of her eating disorder. It really touched me and made me think about how eating disorders can influence teaching. I wrote an entry on a similar topic a few years back when I was co-directing The Nutcracker. It was about how I viewed myself as a hypocrite because I tell my dancers one thing and think/do another. I recently came back to this when I noticed one of the girls check out her stomach in the mirror before ballet class.

Bam! It hit me, like how one hits the floor when they slip out of a pirouette. All the words my director said to me, “you know these girls look up to you”, made sense. I have never been a role model or in a position where young girls want to dance like me.  Sometimes these young dancers copy my dance style (clothes or movement quality) but it is so much  more than that! They can copy my attitude, mannerisms, and drive. Some specific dance mannerisms are, checking out their profile in the  mirror or standing in front of the skinny mirror. Ask any dancer and they know all about that one mirror that makes you look good, how to pick out the slimming leotards. Better yet, ask any dancer about how often they check themselves out in the mirror and criticize what they look like. I don’t want that for these girls. I don’t want them to fight each other for the skinny mirror. I don’t want them them to give into the pressure of “the dancer body”, to feel as if they must make themselves smaller to “make up for their lack of ability” or to “make themselves stand out”. I starved myself because I felt inferior to other dancers. I felt as if the skinnier I was, the more fit, the stronger I was, the more people would want to work with me/hire me.

I loved how in the article she wrote, “Thinking about stepping into a dance studio to teach ballet makes me panic, even though I have a dozen years of experience. Being trapped in a mirrored room and seeing how out of shape I am, compared to when I was a dancer myself, makes me feel claustrophobic. I assume my students will judge my figure”. I can relate. There is a panic, especially when you are in a relapse or feeling down about yourself. Lately, my self esteem/ED talk has been on the loose. My body has begun a dreaded change and my GI issues are rearing their ugly head and all I want is to cover up. But I am wearing a leotard (still as covered as I can get without being in modern dance attire) because these girls look up to me. I am trying not to profile check myself. I feel as if the more I do things that are positive for aspiring ballerinas/dancers it will help me separate from my ED.

Maybe dance teachers with eating disorders do need more attention, and more mental work. Hayes quotes a NYCB consultant,

” ‘Though most of us associate eating disorders with students and professionals, unresolved body issues and controlled eating patterns from pre-professional training can follow you into adulthood. “You are still the same person,’ says Hamilton. ‘And under extremely stressful situations, old habits come back…’Dance teachers need more attention than they get,’ says Hamilton. ‘You’re a role model, and if you are not able to approach eating in a healthy way or if you think you’re never thin enough, it’s going to come across to your students. We don’t need to pass this on from one generation to the next.'”

Which is so true! How can we as teachers, be a true role model if we cannot approach body image in a positive way? How can we demonstrate the love one needs for their own body when we hate ours? I try so hard to not pass on my disorder, my disgust, and everything that I did wrong in my heyday to these girls. I don’t want them to go through what I went through or what I am currently going through. How can I effectively do this? Maybe it is to get more help. To continue this things called recovery. Maybe it is to show these girls what an ED fueled life can do.

For my educators out there, dancer or other forms of athletics, how do you handle this? What has worked for you? How do you struggle? Is it even a trigger?